Philosophy

s e x u a l f r e e d o m

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Sexual Freedom in the broadest sense imaginable is behavior balanced by love as the influence of awareness of peace (our reality).

Sexual Instinct would naturally express that freedom if it were not squashed and called dangerous, and if it were allowed to blossom in its own time rather than a time dictated by tradition or religion or fear.

Sexual Freedom as it pertains to sex acts between people is just that...freedom to be human without synthesized interference.

We can never be lastingly free in any sense of the word until we are willing to open our hearts and be influenced by the only thing that is real. In that reality, we live, move and have our being.

In every fiber of what we are, our reality is peaceably and silently present as the very essence of peace. Allowing it to walk through the doors of our lives, and of our world...and treating it like the honored one that it is, reestablishes true honor, that is always just, completely free, without partiality or conflict, and is peaceable because peace is held dear instead of our prideful traditions.

If society were already more developed and less dysfunctional, sexuality would be expressed much differently. It is important though, to take note that society is not yet "more developed", and is very dysfunctional. So when I indicate that certain behaviors could become different for society, I do not mean everyone should just go out there, willy nilly, and change their behavior in radical ways, regardless of the outcome, saying this is because now they are free...free spirits to roam and express their sexuality at will. I'm not suggesting that such radical change is wrong, but that the most likely result of doing that would be pain and harm for us and our world. Nothing I say here should be construed to mean we have and should exercise license to "go off the rails" or that we now have carte blanche to disregard common practices found in society. Anyone who truly cares about themselves and others will give much consideration to what sexual freedom means for our world...and...the ramifications of any changes contemplated.

Introduction to Core Reality & Quality of Life Experience

1. At the core of what it means to be, is the shared reality of self and all.

2. At the very core of what it means to be human, is human sexuality.

When awareness arises in mind as will (our core reality), and when we relax our control and allow will to govern our human experience, its influence appears as non-synthesized balance, or balance that is not the result of choosing, judgment and denial. Balance born of the dual nature of choice is necessarily born as a form of conflict between what was chosen for and what was chosen against. Balance born of singleness of mind, drawn from the reality of peace (or will), has no conflict beyond the natural primal denial that creates this world. The difference is between 1) balance derived from choices, and 2) choices derived from balance...with the latter being preferred and beneficial. Denial is always energetically present, and yet, denial in its natural form, it is not exacerbated to an excess sense of separateness. However, when we focus too heavily on (perceived evidence as) our creations, relying upon them to the ignoring of our own will (which is the shared reality of all), a tough road lies ahead. Therefore it has been said that it is good to love one another, sharing in all things...for this is the law of peace in reality, and is the law of availability of awareness of peace in the perceived world (or in other words, the law of love). The presence of peace, when held in mind like a babe in swaddling clothes, provides "fore giveness" by way of its influence in the now moment of each created breath and vision. We care for it, and discover that it cares for us as well. Giving truly is receiving. It is never a sacrifice to reach out toward the certainty of joy and ever so lightly touch its garment.

The Source of the Fabric of Our Lives:

These two fine threads weave the fabric of our lives. When either thread is not given the attention it needs, our fabric quality suffers. Whether we look around us in the world today, or look far back in time, we find the need for restoration of the weave through balancing being with being human.

The primary determiner of the quality of weave is awareness of our shared reality, referred to as the spiritual aspect of our lives, far too often governed by ancient traditions instead of direct awareness.
The secondary determiner (according to our perception of it) is how we view ourselves and others. Again, it is the status quo that people wear deep-colored glasses, smudged and scratched by judgments derived from traditions. The lives which we experience in our day-to-day journey in this world, begin as extended from human sexuality in conjunction with our reality. The dual nature of our experience, in which everything in this world is composed of "opposites pairs" by which we define boundaries and separateness, is then the foundation...of and as human sexuality (reaching far beyond what we usually think of as sexuality). How we view ourselves and others is dependent upon how we view this foundation. Although we may not openly think of it this way, our view toward the world is based in our approach to sexuality. Clearly, people think sexuality and the sex act is important, attaching many rules to it, usually according to the approach they learned while growing up. That importance arises from the fact that everything dual in nature, is by its design and mechanism of appearance...sexual, being joined or joinable, as pertains to the apparent reuniting of these illusory opposites which define our separateness. As mental energy creates the illusion of separateness, this substituting of a dual view in place of whole vision is met at the point of creation by a certain drawing or calling us back to the timelessness of eternal oneness. That call is love, ever beckoning at the door to our world and our lives, calling us to return home as it were. Human sexuality (including many feelings and aspects other than the sex act) is forever bound to love, for every illusion, every appearance in the world defines itself by and as that separateness and ever-present opportunity to return. To manifest in this world of duality, is to be sexual in nature, always appearing as "this not that" (or conversely as "that not this").

The Ongoing Weakening of the Fabric of Our Lives:

We've learned to follow tradition, and to actually "follow the leader", whether religious leaders, government leaders or recognized experts. Especially critical is that, from the beginning of our lives, we've received some of our earliest indoctrination in tradition, societal mores and propriety from our parents, long before formal training kicked in. While this process seems beneficial, keeping everyone on track, additionally following tradition habitualizes our looking to others for authorization to think, feel and do.

The traditions handed down to us are fraught with significant errors...even 180°-backward errors, which become ongoing problems in our lives. Because of this, we continually choose in self-disempowering ways as a norm, establishing what is experienced as accepted bondage...(bondage which we resent but do not admit as being present, in order to blend into society and find some degree of quality of life). We were taught to do this very early, by teaching us to distrust our natural instincts and urges, and vis a vis, teaching us to distrust ourselves. Substituted for this in-born, natural trust is trust for the opinions of experts, authorities, parents, teachers, written texts, and almost anything or anyone that seems approved...as long as it didn't originate within our own selves. That would be "just our imagination"...and (as we've been taught) we sure don't want that! But why not? This early traditional teaching-learning process, which continues throughout our lives, is normalized and expressed as the passing off of our own "response ability". In the back of our minds, once we've learned to trust experts, we've given away our response ability, for we reckon the responsibility is on them...even though it impacts us so greatly.

If this site says nothing else of note but this one thing, it will have served its purpose:

Talking to yourself and listening to yourself, seriously considering whatever arises within, and watching for truth to appear naturally on its own, is the most important thing in your life. Truth which supersedes all "answers" lies there, within, waiting to be discovered. That is how most everything in this site, tempered by experience, came to be written.
Although my personal path was difficult and had much negativity, and although I would not recommend such a path to anyone, I am yet grateful that I did not miss out on where that path eventually led me...to myself...to my imagination...and to that which is far beyond what my early religion-trained years suggested was true. We long for peace, and yet eagerly follow the world in the opposite direction, waving colorful peace banners.

I say, Gov? Should we perhaps do a...
"Teeeeen HUT! Abooouuut FACE!" and "Forwaaard MARCH!"

...in the other direction?

No? Hmmm...I see. Ah...well...jolly good then. Let's just keep going this way if you wish. (NOT)

When we follow traditional ways rather than the influences from inner awareness, this results in imbalance or functional inadequacy in direct inner awareness. Even though in the short term, our traditions may have seemed to be better, following them is the error causing this inadequacy which in turn causes the fabric of our lives to fall into disrepair. This is the case pretty much across the board regardless of the content of our traditions, because judging, memorizing and traditionalizing behavior patterns shifts reliance from the inner reality (which is faithful) to memory's judgments (which are continually changing). Better had we remained like we were when we were born than to have learned to disregard inner promptings from awareness in favor of rules and traditions to the extent we have, and to our detriment.

A key to remember is that all the problems society experiences starts with early training related to our sexuality, offered with what is believed to be the best of intentions, by our parents and by society.

We can look for the bad guys and demonize them, but if we look closer, we will find that they are us.

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The Root Cause of Societal Dysfunction

Parents often put a lot of effort into being assistive toward their children's development. Unfortunately, much of that assistance is clouded by some of the earliest parenting they did, and yet continue to offer as advice to their children.

Children need to develop naturally, with only such control as is necessary. They need parental guidance; however, the guidance provided too often comes from religious ideation or its influence in secular society, ideas proposed by psychologists, and whatever the current societal climate dictates is "right". Despite well-meant intentions, parents, family, friends, teachers and others unwittingly contribute to repression and resentment...which often becomes hidden to the extent that it is not always recognized for what it is. Among other early signs such as bullying, tattling and passivity, this is the main source of the distrust aspects of the generation gap. This is particularly true when it comes to youths' development of sexuality.
Children need to recognize and become aware of their inner reality, letting it influence their lives from an early age. They need to, as much as possible, develop their sexuality as an expression of the freedom which is the essence of their reality as peace. Their adolescent years give them a period in which they can sort out their feelings, behaviors and freedom, along with the continual influence society pushes toward them. With both inner guidance and appropriate parental guidance (by parents who themselves are inwardly aware and thus understand the importance of autonomy), youths can hone their attitudes, behaviors and interpersonal skills in ways which offer a loving style of respect toward themselves and others, based in an ever-growing sense of integrity.
Quality development involves:
- Freedom to develop naturally in all areas, specifically including freer sexual development
- Learning where and when they can involve in sexual behavior...with self and/or with others, which doesn't require undue secrecy and yet is done with respect to societal proprieties (whether those proprieties are correct or not)
- Internal guidance toward balance, caring and compassionate sexual interactions, while maintaining integrity which incorporates caring both for self and others, and which does not cast freedom aside
- Appropriate external guidance from those who have the requisite inner awareness and related understanding...understanding which values autonomy, including valuing sexual freedom
- A keen experiential and well-considered approach to coping with and abiding within societal mores and guidelines, to an extent including those with which they do not agree, and yet without losing their own sense of self and freedom in the process
- A reasonable approach to health and safety in sexual matters without being hysterical about it
- A developed view which allows choosing sexual partners compatible with their preferences, including short term relationships, and any who may be in their life for a long time...perhaps for life
Sexual freedom is not a cause to be fought, but is a lifelong development and practice which seeks out, lives in and promotes freer living in all respects, not just those regarded as sexual. With enough people developing and living in this way, without putting forward extremes of sexual freedom that overly offend society within its long-standing traditions and context, societies will gradually change, allowing overall freedom more and more, and thus allowing control-generated dysfunctional behaviors less and less. What is currently believed to be dysfunctional will shift, although not necessarily in radical ways, and these things will then be viewed in a more balanced context.
It starts for us all when we are very young...when we are easily influenced and overwhelmed by control-oriented guidance. When freedom that does not exclude sexuality grows in people, individually and as communities: The overall perceived need for controlling others will lessen. With control lessened, conflict is also lessened. This results in society that is less dysfunctional. In other words, whatever is today feared as development of chaotic anarchy, becomes less and less apt to become the result of exercising freedom, for that freedom is exercised with personal integrity and caring responsibility due to the influence of awareness of our shared reality.

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In 1995, I wrote in response to a "World" magazine article ("Not for God's Sake: Secularizing Teen Abstinence" by Victoria Weinstein, Nov/Dec 1995 issue). I titled my writing:
"TEEN SEX IS NOT A CATASTROPHE BUT A GLOBAL FAMILY PROBLEM" It is available for download here. I strongly recommend it and consider its content as a major part of this section of the web site.

As long as society continues on a path that controls sexuality rather than accommodating its natural flow, dysfunction in society is entirely inevitable.

Similarly, when masses of individuals ignore inner promptings and
awareness of shared reality, the stage is set for a disaster-prone world.

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The Dance of the Illusion of Sexuality with Reality

Natural (non-exacerbated) denial or primal denial, is expressed in everything within and around us, most poignantly as human sexuality. Because we are one and not many, the aspect of sexuality which is denial is found in the fact that sexuality professes two impossible things:
1. that we can be and are separate
2. that we can and do join
The evidence our sexuaity provides suggests very strongly that we are not one, but are two, or many. The world framework, our bodies, the relationships of people and objects, the continual rounds of beginning and ending, and the created senses designed to experience these, function together as denial of our oneness...and this is natural primal denial.
1. Without the constant of reality from which to dream it, the energetic creation of illusion could not appear as our world and universe.
2. Without the primal denial that creates energy and uses it to bring the illusion of the world into being as expression, reality would have no purpose.
Together, reality and illusion are a natural balance as full, constant peace in reality and maximized comparative peacefulness and joyfulness in the perceived world.

True will as real intention, arises into the world as reality's influence establishing love as overall foundational intention (or the baseline, natural primal denial). Continually setting this balance aside as we gaze at the multitude of evidence perceived in this world (including our sexuality and its behaviors), effectively hides our real awareness of reality by substituting perceptual awareness of the day-to-day experience of the world. This creates imbalance and leads to exacerbation of natural primal denial, establishing excesses as what we believe we want...and simultaneiously establishing disparity, favor and partiality, and conflict that is greater than the conflict which is innate to the process called denial. As we do this, we create those things we favor, but also create their opposite or those things which we do not favor. It is this which is the flip side of disparity, with examples such as lack, discrimination and abusiveness toward select groups. This calling forth of opposites arises from ignoring true will (or our awareness of shared reality), and creating choice-based and rather arbitrary, changeable intention, a subsitute for true will. As the arbitrariness and conflict inherent in our substitute for true will is exacerbated, it leads us down paths of pseudo-intention or contrived intention that agree with our chosen departure from peace (true will).
TRUST

Trust that which is faithful to govern our lives in the world...our shared reality.

TRUST
The negativity creation we do comes primarily from chasing rainbows and ideals. We ignore the fact that rainbows often come with storm clouds all around. Too often, we fail to notice that our ideals are often rote or are founded in traditionalized misconceptions, and are thus not necessarily ideal. We are then blind-sided by the other side of the opposites pairs created by the same energy we expended, which favored those ideals and sought to establish them.

Even though I am no longer involved in religion, I am reminded of the instruction...

"Take no thought for tomorrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the [denial conflict] thereof [without our constant focused exacerbation of that denial]." TRUST – Matthew 6:34 (with emphasis and clarification added)

ANECDOTE UNRELATED TO SUBJECT MATTER

Over the course of my life, I've been privileged to witness two very interesting rainbows: ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~ The first one was sighted in Rainbow Valley in southern California along Interstate 15 as I drove south toward San Diego. Unlike many other double rainbows I've seen, these two rainbows were not concentric. Instead, they looked very much like a set of golden arches found at McDonalds restaurants. As I ponder what I've been taught about rainbows, this configuration does not seem possible. But there it was. ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~ The second one was seen out the upstairs window of the offices of a major tire warehouse in Ontario, California, where I worked. A sudden squall came through, making the sky not simply dark, but actually black like nighttime would be outside town away from the glow of lights. Then on that black backdrop appeared the most brilliant neon rainbow...so bright and distinct, and filled with amazing colors. This lasted only for a moment, perhaps a minute or two, and then the sky became light again and the rainbow disappeared. ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~

• Related Reference in "A Course In Miracles": ACIM 18.7 "I need do nothing." — I do not prefer the spiritual entity characterization used in ACIM, but this particular passage gets right to the point. In fact, if one could read and grasp the import of this one passage, they would have gained 99% of the value of ACIM. Far too much time and effort is spent on the other portions, apparently without realizing that this single instruction is the key, and is the ONLY key that unlocks faith (which is not belief, but is reliance based in the certainty of reality itself...without all the spiritual name-dropping and somewhat hierarchical talk). Are there spiritual hierarchies? It really doesn't matter as far as this inner resource goes. Your reality is your reality, either way.

Despite my comments above regarding ACIM, I should mention how it is that I discovered ACIM.

Around 1978, while encarcerated, I began to notice insights arising within over and over. Some 16 years later and after my 1984 release, I realized that my attention given to this inner resource was a pure form of meditation. It was not until a few years after this that I began to realize that "doing meditation" wasn't necessary, and that this "presence" was there and available all the time. And eventually, it became clear that this which was in me...was me...my reality, which happens to be shared with all. This discovery is nothing "special"...but it is unfortunately often ignored...or...it is missed while seeking it due to beliefs and conditioning causing us to look for it where it is not.

Along the way, around 1992, due to a false allegation about criminal behavior (which allegations were never proven because it was impossible for there to be any evidence)...I ended up going to Parents United (not mandated, but simply being cooperative). Related to that, I began sessions with a social worker with a psychology background. We would talk about related subjects, but then I would always shift to talking about what I had discovered and which was most precious in my mind. After a number of sessions, this counselor asked me, "Have you ever heard of 'A Course In Miracles'?" I said no and asked what it was. She said it was a book that a friend of hers studied (and which she herself had not read)...and went further to say that a lot of the things I had to say sounded much like what her friend would say all the time.

Well, that was a little interesting, but I had no reason to check it out. A few weeks later, I decided to see if I could become involved in a study group for the works of Joel Goldsmith, an author whose writings I liked. Goldsmith was a prolific writer on various subjects surrounding a practice called The Infinite Way. He was Christian, and although I was not Christian any longer, I did have some appreciation of many things said in Christianity. I finally found a group, not far away, and went to the meeting. I was the only one there besides the man and woman who offered the study group. Apparently, that one meeting ended up being the only one they ever had. So I never ended up studying Goldsmith's works, even though I already owned 25 books written by him and had grown somewhat from reading his books. I was given an open invitation by them to come to their home and talk, which I did fairly often.

My wife began to accompany me on these visits, and a long friendship developed between all of us. They introduced us to (the) Alternatives to Violence Project; which we are still involved in today, some 26 years later (today operating our own local group in the community and in three prisons). If one looks under the hood, one discovers that it is based on looking for this same reality in everyone, referencing it as something innate to all people.

Then one day, the woman gave me a cardboard box of spiritual books to look over. When I got home, I skimmed through book after book, tossing each one in a pile that I most likely would not read fully. Then I picked up this dark blue book. It was "A Course In Miracles". As I began to skim through it, a passage would catch my eye, and then another, and after a few moments, I called down the hall to my wife and said, "Honey!!! You know all those things I mentioned which came to me as insights that I didn't understand or know what to do with (and so put them on a back shelf in my mind)? Well, they're here in this book!!!" That was exciting since I'd had no one who was interested in hearing these things. But as I began to go to ACIM study groups (after reading it), I discovered that they seemed to be stuck in a "choose again, and study the lessons over and over" rut, and were truly missing the point of it. So once again, I didn't really have anyone to talk to about these things.

Now I share my insights here on this web site. Just as I am not a follower of religion or of the Bible, so also I am not a follower of ACIM. There are many things in both of those texts that run contrary to what is shown within. Eventually, I began to realize that neither book was a guide or manual in the usual sense. Both were using a teaching method which I came to call "the two-edged sword teaching method". They would present a simple statement of truth, and then also present lots and lots of statements that went against the truth presented. It was left up to the reader to notice, and to realize that only the truth is true, and to further realize that it was not helpful for them to simply accept things because they were in a book or because an author was said to have inspiration or even to be quoting God, etc. And so it is, that each of us have within us this common resource as our reality. No one ever needs to wonder "who is right?" or to make decisions based on a belief in the answer to such an arbitrary question. Our reality shows us what we need to understand, according to what we are willing and currently able to consider, and perhaps come to grips with and accept. So, just as my early training in Christianity was..., so also ACIM was...a stepping stone (and in the case of ACIM, somewhat of a confirmation).

As much as possible, I try to not use "the two-edged sword teaching method". To the extent I am able, I put food for thought forward for people to consider, and perhaps ponder. But it needs to be clear that my words...are not the ultimate truth. The ONLY ultimate truth is not words, or beliefs, but is our reality itself. Accepting my words will never be enough. Each person must discover this for their own self. If after such a discovery, the insights you have arising for you look different than what I've said...that's wonderful...search your heart and go with it. It doesn't matter that the words differ, as words are tools of symbolism in the temporal realm...or in other words, tools of denial (and thus incapable of transmitting or representing the ultimate truth of reality's presence). The only thing that matters is that we open ourselves to the influence of that reality, and gradually become willing to accept its influence as the primary reliance and guide in our lives.

Creation automatically includes the miracle of natural primal denial. We are free to partake of the world as it is, in the natural form of its creation, from moment to moment to moment within our perception (of what is actually a single ever-lasting now moment in reality). We would do well to consider that, by our continuing of control-oriented traditions, we are all adding conflict to that which is natural within the world. We are continuing our excesses of judgment-based partiality, as though it were possible to charge and use a battery without it being charged (polarized). Of all the things in the garden of this world we can partake of and enjoy, there is but one thing that is unwise to partake of...and this is judgment (both positive and negative). Our judgments as choices exacerbate natural primal denial and establish a false increased sense of good and evil. In that false perception, we concentrate so heavily toward the false good that we unwittingly bring with it increases in false evil (which we are attempting to avoid). All the while we are doing this, we offer little or no attention to the actual good of our reality which has no evil opposite in it. This judgment process is the exacerbation of denial in all its forms...epitomized by sexuality's oft overly intense call to pleasure and the high degree of judgmental selectivity attached to it by its participants and by society.

There is a difference between freely enjoying what life in this world offers, and striving by choices, additionally creating excesses of enjoyable positivity or absence of negativity (or vice versa), thus exacerbating the conflict aspect. Although it is often believed that imbalance and our problems arise because we partake excessively, instead, the imbalance and our problems are brought into play by the energetic striving we do to establish and produce more of that which is enjoyable and to avoid that which is not enjoyable (or vice versa). Increasing our striving is increasing our conflict.

In the process of that increased energy, awareness of reality gets pushed to the side more and more. Energy has a purpose in that it creates everything we perceive, physically and otherwise. Excesses of energy however, push beyond the acceptable limits of creation's natural polarization, causing brighter highlights and darker shadows. When the shadows created by avoidance of what we do not desire become dark enough, we find ourselves enveloped in experiences we do not want...and yet which we called into perceived appearance in the world. It is inevitable that the evil or negative side of creation will come, but it is unfortunate for us when we create more than what works for us. Gather in what is there for you, and wait to see what tomorrow brings...for indeed, it will bring its appearances to you. The more we hide or hide from negativity, the more it impinges on the psyche, demanding to be seen (increasing in the intensity of that demand as we continue to resist it). The more we energetically seek after positivity, the more elusive it seems because our seeking calls forth its opposite; which opposite functions similar to clouds, occluding the positivity we seek.

Activism in the course of trying to resolve our many conflicts is laudable. It is however, long after the horse is out of the barn...out of the county as well. The problem with activism at such a point in time is that a high level of conflict is already extant, and such a level means to many people that large measures of energy must be spent in meeting the challenges these conflicts present. Pausing to allow our awareness to be noticed however, does not take any added energy, nor does it increase conflict in any way. After any moment of pausing, we may go on about our business, whether it be cause-related activism, feeding the children, driving to work, or any other activity. It is not about what we do along the way; it is about remembrance evoked by pausing to notice pre-existent awareness that is integral to our shared reality. What we do may change in appearance, but that is a side effect...one which is still illusion and denial, but perhaps now with a lesser conflict level. Pausing to notice regularly is vital. We may remember to pause at meals, or just before certain regular events. Eventually however, we may simply find ourselves remembering to be in remembrance at all times and to be confident in any given moment that shared reality is present as what we are, influencing in ways which benefit all when not overly denied, hiding that influence.

Balancing the weave or interplay between being and being human has many aspects. At the core of this balance act is balance between awareness of the shared reality of all and perceptual awareness of the (broad concept of the) sexual nature and undertone of our lives. Much fear has been attached to sexual relations, and considering the imbalanced approach we have toward living our lives, it is no wonder. When not hindered from earlier developmental interference however, sexual relations are unfettered by these fearful overlays. This fearful approach is unfortunate, and has much to do with why our world remains dysfunctional. Sadly, we teach these traditional fearful ways and observations as behavioral rules of conduct to our children from birth.

When we are born, in what seems to be ideal circumstances parents are overjoyed. When we're able to roll over on our own. Cheers go up. When we crawl...cheers. When we take our first shaky steps...cheers. When we say words...cheers. When we touch ourselves or someone else sexually...oops! No cheers. All too often the natural urge and its natural explore response are systematically squashed. People recognize that sex is important, but seem to have difficulty coping with it outside of traditions, claimed to be in our best interest.

Propriety and protection arising from society's judgmental eyes becomes the priority, whether it is actually healthy for us to learn sexual repression or not. It is our beginning in learning to modify our actions, not for actual benefit, but for rules-based ideas about the better good...and the foundation of "better good" is often a version of religious reasoning (even if secularized).

The first reaction to being prevented from sexual behavior, unless needlessly harsh, is surprise. "Why am I being stopped from this interesting feeling?"
The second reaction can be persistence in trying to get or do what seems best or needed.
The third reaction can be a sense of hurt or fear. Why? Because we're being taught that what comes absolutely natural to us is wrong or inappropriate. But further than this, because our sexuality is at the core of our humanness, it can cause us to view ourselves as wrong or inappropriate. And establishing this also establishes a strange rationale that this is why we're doing these things called "wrong and inappropriate".
The fourth reaction can be resentment or anger, and yet at this very young age, we sense that we have no way to directly resist. This brings secrecy into play. I can do anything I want as long as I don't let them know about it. As children grow and play with others, we find this developing into a generation gap between the young who want to explore experiencing their world, and parents, adults in general and authority figures.
Perhaps the most problematic aspect of this divisive process however, is that simultaneously we learn to accept our place in the scheme of things...a place in which we find ourselves disempowered and using substitute "proper" behaviors. This is the root of passive-aggressive behavior (directly reflecting the denial process).

Substituting natural behaviors with propriety-oriented behaviors, often without adequate information or explanation, begins to lead down a path...a "normal" path we've come to accept and believe we understand, but a path with dire consequences. That path speaks to us...and says "their" ways are better than my ways. Although we accept this path, we make exceptions, such as little white lies, or such as associating with whoever we want and doing much of what we want but keeping it hidden. This further develops into politeness, people pleasing, agreeing to do things which we inwardly really resent "having to do", as though we don't have a choice. We hide things from our parents; we hide things from our teachers; we hide things from the law; we hide things from our boss at work...and so on. At some point we may find ourselves involved in military service. It's about doing what you're told, not what you think or know is best. And higher up in the military, it's about such things as "peace keeping", rules of engagement (ROE), and plausible deniability in conjunction with governmental and political agendas. So you see that this tiny little thing of having our sexuality interferred with at a young age, continues in various forms. And this is not without consequences, both for individuals and for certain groups at specific times, as well as consequences for global society.

Societies are dysfunctional in various ways. Some seem more dysfunctional than others, but this is true in all societies in which behavior is controlled by leaders or by rules, rather than by the influences of direct inner awareness of our shared reality. People look around, frustrated and sometimes desperate, looking for an answer. "Why is society so messed up?" They look for remedies and solutions one after another. Some of these seem very good, and yet when applied, it is usually by establishing rules or laws, and setting up ways of controlling people's behavior, whether any given instance is right or fair and reasonable or not. There is collateral damage. But this is rationalized with ideas such as ""We're choosing the best practices, the better of several evils, and doing these things for the greater good"...and reaping terrible consequences as the result, never even guessing that these things are the cause, not the cure.

This is very similar to the experience of going to the doctor, being examined, and having the symptoms of your maladies treated, but not the cause. Not always the case, but it is very common. Some have realized that the solution lies with helping children to understand how to communicate and interact more effectively. The problem with that however, is that the adults attempting to teach them this do not understand the actual cause, so they treat the symptoms on one hand, and try to train children in developing better rules of behavior on the other. But more rules and laws simply is not the answer. Trying to behave in better ways has a benefit and value, but it isn't enough because the priority and focus are incorrect.

To really get to the root of societies' state of being dysfunctional, they need to look, not so much toward teaching children, but more toward learning from children. In some ways, children are more in touch with their instinct...their HUMAN instiinct, rather than being in touch with fearfully synthesized, millennia old religious and traditionalized ideology, rules and corresponding laws and propriety. Watch them. Learn from them. Consider that they actually know more than the adults do in some areas. They know what they need to do, what they need to explore, experience and learn. And yes, they can be very selfish about it, and emotional. All the more reason to give extra close attention to understanding them...not in adult terms and viewpoints, but according to THEIR views. They need our protection and guidance in many areas. They need our love. But they do not need our synthetic sense of priority, our learned ideology, or our ever-present willingness to control them in everything, etc. On one hand, children need to learn boundaries. On the other hand, many of the boundaries they are learning are not in their best interest, or the best interest of global society.

True power is peace, not control. Exercising of behavior completely within the context of true peace may be difficult, and at times seemingly impossible, however allowing one another to move in that direction whenever and wherever possible leads us all toward a better, more loving, and less conflicted society. People can learn that they have opportunities all around them to participate in society in useful, helpful ways...ways that they often automatically adopt as their own ways because they want to contribute to the interaction patterns they see. When behavior patterns are pushed on them, forced on them, or coerced from them, hurt and fear, along with resentment, secrecy and two-faced behaviors arise. Using control and saying it is power (instead of peace) is denial of the truth...evidence-based though it may be. Know the truth and be freed by it, for in reality, we are already free.

An example of judgmental and dysfunctional behavior by society is the way they've learned to fear and hate sex offenders, and yet they know very little about why so many people do these things or what a real solution would look like. People known to society as sex offenders are but the tip of the iceberg...one that needs to not be submerged any longer, but faced and coped with in ways that are beneficial to society instead of in ways which contribute to tearing it apart. People see the problematic behavior, fear and/or hate it along with detesting the people who do those things, and jump straight into laws and control, punishment and ostracization. This reaction is actually understandable, and yet if society will take the time to properly examine what young children are telling them, and if they become willing to heed the messages received from them, the root cause of basically all of societies' ills will fall away from us by attrition, as more and more people act lovingly with children and all people, instead of trying to control everyone. No one likes being controled. There are times when control is necessary; however, many cases of control believed to be necessary are not. I realize this subject brings up pain for some people, and quick anger. I don't think we need to feel sorry for sex offenders, but we do need to understand how our society is actually generating them in large numbers on a regular basis, generation after generation. Without understanding this, the problem will not just go away. Punishment is a deterent; however many people do not realize that many people involved in these things or any behavior society will punish (including all criminal behavior) simply go deeper underground, and are more secretive and careful. I won't get graphic about that, citing cases (already handled by the law) that I became aware of, but the bottom line is that punishment and ostracization is not only not the solution, but is a factor in making things worse in very scary and detrimental ways.

Although I am citing ostracization of sex offenders here as a symptom of dysfunctional behavior by society, it is important to note that localized ostracization according to need is not dysfunctional, but necessary in the short term. People need to ensure that their vulnerable family members and children are not targeted, continuing the very problematic cycle of desire and abuse. Still, learning to cope with the problems (which society has created by their traditions) is more ideal, although difficult...with the greatest difficulty being that society in general has not been willing to look at that aspect, but instead has preferred demonization, ostracization and vengeance. My comments about a dysfunctional society really alludes to our need to correct the traditional practices used on a societal and global basis, which traditional practices lead toward dysfunction in a very generalized sense. A primary factor in dysfunction development is interference with natural development of human sexuality. Putting our heads under the sand so to speak, and pretending all is well simply won't cut it. We do need to protect and be cautious when dealing with these behaviors. If we become willing to open ourselves (within) to notice awareness of our shared reality, such "dealing with" can become a means of protecting "after the fact"...for many of the people doing these behaviors were caught up in the same problem when they were younger. Punishing doesn't help, but actually makes things much worse. As adults, we all need to become responsible for whatever our part is in that; however, once involved in that problem, it is often not an easy matter to cope with the fallout from it, whether one views themselves as a victim, a perpetrator, or just a person having difficulty in one way or another. If the last 10-20 generations of child-rearing had recognized the need for free, autonomous development of human sexuality, many of the aberrant or dysfunctional behaviors in society would either be much lessened or be absent. That is where the correction needs to begin. An unfortunate societal condition is that religions are viewed as guides and their beliefs used as a moral compass. Rather than working for the benefit of mankind as is thought, this leads humanity down the very path we're on, filled with the fear-based dysfunction, conflict and violence we are now looking at. Yes...war is based on the same principles as taught by religions, many of which are about control in one form or another. Because we do not recognize this, and may even vehemently deny that this is true, we arrive at a societal condition that is as convoluted, conflicted and as messed up as it is. Behaviors of a sexually aberrant nature is but one symptom. War is another.

It's time to look within and discover that which actually IS the truth...and guide our lives by that instead. A key is:
1. Fear is not an appropriate foundation for living life, however well-intended, evidence-based or authoritatively dictated it may seem.
2. Trust is the primary foundation for living life.
3. Not so strangely, fearful approaches and traditions encourage distrust toward a world perceived as dangerous. Trust encourages trust and trustworthiness because, rather than trusting conflicted evidence, it reaches beyond that evidence and trusts the reality within all...which reality is constant and non-conflicted as the ever-present influence of love in the world. This loving influence is always there, awaiting our trust to join it in mind. As we look around us and perceive in ways which set this aside to establish fear and distrust, we reinforce and effectively call for continuance of such undesired evidence as the basis for that perceptual approach in the perceived world, somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes sense from our common view to do this, and yet it makes even more sense to pause, to notice and embrace awareness of our reality, and to relinquish our attention diversion (toward that which generates fear), in order to allow establishment of reliance upon influence from that which is faithful.
4. Because human sexuality is at the core of being human, both in the broader duality sense and with regard to that which is more obviously sexual, how we approach and regard sexuality along the paths of our lives has a far-reaching effect on everything around us. We may not think of it that way; however, if we look around us and notice the devastating amount of dysfunction in the world, we may want to consider that how we think of it is in error. We've been following traditional, fear-based approaches to human sexuality and to living in this world for millennia, with pretty much non-stop conflict and violence. It is time for rediscovering the truth, and trusting that instead. It is time to let go of our prideful traditions, and open our hearts to one another, regardless of the evidence appearing around us. Section Selections Menu ↑ • Main Menu ↑

Freedom & Peace
(among many words used to refer to reality)

In previous articles, I've talked about our shared reality in various ways, using descriptors such as peace and freedom. Although these may seem different because our concepts about them differ, in reality freedom and peace are one. You cannot have true peace without also having true freedom, and vice versa, because they are actually the same thing. It is important to note that you cannot be without either, regardless of how circumstances appear. Thus, when people seek peace or seek freedom, even such noble quests as these are flawed by the belief that we do not already have them. Not only do we have them, but these things are what we are. To be separated from peace or freedom is to not exist, and that is not possible. Granted, we can very much be situated such that we do not appear to have either. The situations appearing in our lives as experiences with lack of these are the denial of reality's whole vision. By the creation of this world filled with such evidence, we successfully deceive ourselves. Fortunately, the evidence we see are false witnesses to a "reality" that is not truly reality. During our lifetime, we may likely always perceive this false evidence. The key is found in allowing permanent and faithful true reality to influence these evidentiary witnesses as perceived around us, effectively limiting the process of their deception.

This is where awareness of our shared reality comes in. With such awareness, we realize that we irrevocably are freedom and peace. These are not "inalienable rights" we should have...they are the truth about our reality which is existent right now.

A key is to pause regularly to allow ourselves to become more noticeably aware. Because of the influence of that awareness, attitudes shaped from it express more of what we are, and that leads to weaving a more balanced and healthy fabric and quality of life.
A key is:
1. The value of talking about reality is limited unless one discovers it within their own self.
2. It does little good to have discussions about awareness of reality, and to then ignore the situations, circumstances and relationships that we experience as the fabric of life we've woven.
3. Inner awareness and the guiding influence it offers must be found, embraced and applied. "Application" in this case means trusting its influence...not until the false witnesses agree, but all the time. Eventually the false witnesses will be less at odds with that influence because we will have allowed that influence to be more and more prevalent. If we have discovered awareness, and have stepped across our conditioned barriers, we are less likely to ignore the situations and relationships in our lives.
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Is Having Multiple Partners Appropriate?.

There is no single answer.

I will start by saying it's not wrong.

However, it is not without problems. Some of those problems are generated by societal mores and traditions, or even the law. In today's world, there are any number of avenues for having multiple partners which are both legal and somewhat accepted. Whether it is appropriate or not would depend on each person involved in it.

Will those involved bring children from a non-polyamory environment into one that is poly?
Will those who become involved bear children in that environment?
What provisions for ensuring the mental-emotional and developmental well-being of those children are being considered?
Will the children involved suffer because of such a choice...which choice they did not have a say in or were not old enough to make such a decision?
Will the income of those involved be adequate on an ongoing basis to support all adults and children who live in that setting?
Are those entering such an agreement and environment involved in a religion, or several religions, or possessed of a belief system which has major components derived from religious ideology?
Do the people planning to agree to and live in this situation truly, truly understand both from inner awareness of their place in the world, and from a long look at the ramifications (individually and collectively), considering both the benefits and the downside of living in this way?
Are any of the adults who are party to the agreement married? Are the spouses and/or significant others of all involved in agreement with such a situation?
Has everyone been tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)? Are you taking their word for it, or do you have test paperwork on everyone to be involved?
If everything seems okay, and everyone goes forward, and all seems well for a time, then begins to fall apart into conflicts, pettiness, changes of heart of those involved or others who are also part of their lives, STDs raise their heads after decades of dormancy and perhaps unknown to the persons and not detected in tests...if things fall apart, do you have a comprehensive plan for what to do, where to live, how to get along after such a crisis?

Again, there is no one answer fits all. If "planning" such an arrangement, I suggest a long period of study, exploration of each other's attitudes and beliefs, behavioral preferences, and many other factors, discussing all of these together, before any specific plan is put in place, HOWEVER: It is preferable and perhaps more likely to succeed, when a multiple partners arrangement comes along organically, with the answers to all the above questions already known from experience with each of the partners. Rather than seeking to enter such a relationship, those who become involved simply find it attractive, workable, in keeping with their integrity, and helpful in various ways (many of which are not sexual in nature).

Note that not all multiple partner situations involve all parties living together. A single common household has advantages, and sometimes living in separate households can also have advantages.

People meeting their perceived needs in this way has often been actively suppressed. However, people's changing needs and desires are important, and at times situations involving multiple partners with varying roles can be helpful to all concerned. But that does not mean there won't be problems. We live in the society we live in...and the best of persons involved may eventually no longer be seen as the ideal partner to be in such a situation with.

Some people with religious backgrounds may run into much pressure from religious people and leaders in their lives. In some regions in the world, this can become a very, very serious issue, not to be ignored. But as to the common question, "Does God approve?", it is up to each person to find the answer to that question. However, if someone feels wrong or guilty about living in this way, that is not a good formula for success. Remember to care for yourself beyond any narrow emotional view. People who take the time to pause and discover inner awareness of the shared reality they have with all people, will eventually discover the truth of that question, thought by so many to be critical in an eternal way. Even if that discovery suggests strongly that it is not wrong, as I have put forward, you may still find plenty of good reasons to avoid that kind of situation and relationship.

A key is being totally 100% up front with everyone, and being willing to take whatever you get when being up front in this way...even if that means perhaps you don't end up being involved. That includes being completely honest with yourself. Emotional selfishness can be a problem for yourself every bit as much as for others.

Although not always the case in obvious ways, relationships, including any sexual aspects of them, can wax more and more desirable, requiring increased attention, then peak and sooner or later wane or dim and go out. Relationships often end because one or the other partner (who sincerely pledged to remain), find they are experiencing these changes.

Some people just tough it out and remain together regardless.
Some end up going out with other people or even leaving the earlier relationship behind as the partner seeks the excitement of entering into a newer growing experience of relationship and sexuality.
Some people find another relationship and include participation in that relationship to their life, rather than leaving the earlier one.

Society frowns on the latter two of these behaviors, and at times punishes them, but that never seems to stop them. Why? Because it is the natural flow of denial, and thus also of sexuality...which is the core expression of denial present in everyone, a major part of what it means to be human.

People who do step out and try to find an exciting path with someone are not bad. They are people allowing the flow of this to carry them forward...in spite of the downside and at times, even in spite of harsh penalties.

The unfortunate thing is that society has become so dysfunctional that often these changes leave people in pain, angry and feeling violated, or even penniless and destitute. So despite this being "natural", it frequently is still very, very problematic. It is important to live naturally, but this only works well on a large scale when society has woven a broad community fabric capable of accommodating these lifestyles or changes. Otherwise, without such accommodations being built into the overall societal belief system, laws and common judgments, people may well bear an unnecessary burden or act out in very selfish ways that come off as cruel and uncaring. Additionally, with enough pressure or poor choices in living in a multiple relationship, one may end up causing harm to the very person or people they love...and perhaps children who are born along the way.

That said, there are many problems with relationships in general...not only multiple relationships. The key is to first pause and discover your reality within, and allow it to guide in all things. Only then are you fully prepared to consider what path you wish to live in life. Of course, if you've already been born, you will do plenty of choosing along the way. (Oh yeah...that's everyone.) First things first to the extent possible.

We tend to want to cling to the past, or to that which was true of the relationship in its earlier stage, but this can also be problematic, having people live much of their lives feeling trapped in a relationship and situation that no longer meets their perceived needs, resulting in unhappiness and possibly depression. Frequently, even with its downside, this clinging or staying with their partner is a behavior that works better all around, because we do not live in a society which has matured with awareness or understanding. This path also often makes children's lives better by keeping their parents on board, because "to children", most often the parents are the center of their world (even with cruel parents). Obviously there are exceptions.

Many couples would object strongly to terms such as clinging, and yet it is common. It is worth noting however, that many, many couples remain together for life, and their staying together does not involve clinging, etc. Earlier, I spoke of compromise as a fear-based behavior. Although this is true, there are "plenty" of instances where compromise is more of a learning experience about what works better. Then, rather than literally being compromise, it is a matter when people change their desire goals. Instead of seeking to gain a situation where things are done according to their specific desires, their desires become more aimed at win-win, and what works best for all involved. They may even view this as compromise, but it might be more appropriate to call it maturation and broadening the scope of what "me" is and wants.

Still, with patience, transparency, and growth on all sides, changing relationships and sexual partners is possible, with those changes sometimes being situations including multiple sex partners, or multiple partners with different roles in one's life, some of which are not participating sexually (any longer), etc. It is important to not leave people painfully behind or lacking in necessities, just to have seemingly better relationships for one's own self.

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Sexuality in the Broader Sense
and its relationship to denial

— and —

The Nature of Denial & Sexuality
outside a relationship & beyond

At the core of the framework of this world (and the entire temporal realm) is denial, or choosing to create, look upon, experience and rely upon imagery and evidence which appear separate, but in reality are not (because being separate is not real/permanent, despite any evidence). The nature of the vexation of mind called denial is that it creates by energetic activity, brought about by the concentration of attention and later focus. In order for denial (choosing, judging) to appear and to continue to appear, it must be grown from rudimentary specks as it were, to more obviated imagery, then built into structures and complexities.

Cycles of Illusions
an analogy

This creativity is a progression for the first part of its cycle, outward so to speak from whole vision (which is the foundational basis of truth), ever toward separated vision more and more and more. It must grow in its denial in order to appear and continue because it is denial, and denial must deny in order to continue to be denial. Metaphorically, this part initiates converting mental wanting into choosing, spiraling away from its origin similar to a moon put in motion to orbit a planet. As the moon travels toward the farthest point (apogee) from the planet it is orbiting, the masses of both objects pull one another. (In reality, none of this actually occurs...in fact, nothing occurs in reality at all.)

Prior to this outbound journey, the moon has gained enough energy (typically from a previous cycle's second part)...to move outward, decelerating as it goes, until the greater mass of the planet overcomes this energy (at apogee) and draws its orbit back, accelerating as it returns toward where it started, the point closest to the planet (perigee). (Note: Neither the planet nor the moon literally go back to the same place, but the moon and its planet do so with respect to their respective orbits, rather than with respect to a specific point in space). This second part of its cycle is its inbound path, returning from the energetic creation of the first part, back to neutrality and release of the energy pattern. And yet its mass and momentum carry it outward again, repeating the cycle.

Actually, the moon and the planet (or a planet and its star) perform a sort of mass-controlled dance around a barycenter (the common center of mass around which two or more bodies revolve). I'm stretching a little to paint this metaphor, but the barycenter could be said to be analogous to the balance between attention toward and reliance upon reality, and upon the temporal world of created duality. It seems that this metaphor is significantly different in a sense, as moons, planets, stars, orbits and barycenters are all temporal...and would seem to not be mental. But actually, these are mental as well.

In reality, vision is whole, and one is always in reality.

In perception, vision is divided and partial, consisting of vexation-created temporary mental states causing illusion as:

pseudo-attention
pseudo-reality
pseudo-creation of pseudo-reality
pseudo-dissolution of these (eventually)
pseudo-senses (perception's substitute for the vision of whole knowledge).

By using their energetic denial and blocking of whole vision, these seemingly keeping all these in motion with overlapping mental structures designed to hide the truth. The ultimate whole truth which these hide is peace. These can be balanced against the forever-present backdrop of whole reality itself.

At the core of humanness is denial expressing, and that expression is sexuality in its broader sense, which people generally would not regard as sexuality at all. Sexuality, as the focal point within denial upon which our perception of separate self and world turns, is everything which is perceived to be separate, and to grow in separation, and then to shrink from its growing, and moving away from the perception of separateness toward a perception-oriented version of oneness...or joining.

(Note: "the core of the framework of this world" and "the core of humanness" are essentially the same.) Section Selections Menu ↑ • Main Menu ↑

Sexuality or Humanness as Cycles of Denial
vs.
Our Reality...and Its Ever-Present Influence

1.Cycles of Denial and Sexuality

Just as Denial waxes greater early in its cycle, so also Sexuality waxes greater early in its cycle.
Just as Denial plateaus or peaks mid-cycle, so also Sexuality plateaus or peaks mid-cycle (sometimes quite early).
Just as Denial wanes later in its cycle, so also Sexuality wanes later in its cycle.

Note that, as cycles appear to us, waning of a cycle to complete dissolution may come at any time, or may not come until death...but it always comes, because that is what denial and thus sexuality (in the broader sense) does.

The changing nature of denial and sexuality (including both the broader sense and sexual relationships) gives color, sound, motion and feeling to be partaken of by all peaceably. The desire at the foundation of denial often reaches out for more of the positive side of what is experienced, while also actively avoiding the negative side. Over time, this process exacerbates the conflict aspect of the illusion which is the creation and world experience. Because such exacerbation of denial includes intensely pleasureable and desirable experiences, it is sought after. However, according to the "opposites pairs" nature of denial's creation, such experiences MUST bring with them an equivalent opposite half of any opposites pairs involved, often becoming undesirable and very painful experience.

It is worth noting that when denial's process is not exacerbated in this manner, denial's process and creation can be maintained in a balanced, easy to live with, rhythmic flow. Just as the weather's seasons can be very enjoyable and very difficult, and yet with proper preparation these are quite bearable, so also life in this world in general can ebb and flow in more acceptable ways.

vs.

2.Our Shared Reality

However, what we actually are, despite denial and its cycles, remains unchanged forever.
The discovery of this, found shining within us as understanding and as the foundation and essence of our being is the "pearl of great price".
It is this which fills us to overflowing with remembrance of our innocence, for so long thought lost.
It is this which gently nudges us to gladly share its light with all who will hear it.
Anyone may come and none who wish to come are left behind.

The unchanging nature of reality is not directly involved with doing or experience, or illusion in any form. However, its presence, when the mind is open to notice it, can be likened to a foundation or backdrop to illusion's play. People who, as expressions of that reality, manifest within an illusory form, appearing as though real in this world, are both the creators of this world and therefore also the only saviors it can ever have. This is because it is their own desire and denial that is creating this world experience for them, and due to the freedom their reality is, only their own relinquishment of that denial process can remove its appearances and symptoms. But rather than removing it altogether, people can trust the reality that they are, and which allows them the pleasures of appearing as a body within a world experience, and it will temper that experience, giving it what appears like a more solid foundation and flow. Remaining open to noticing reality, rather than using exacerbation of denial's process to hide it from view, restores the balance, or natural primal denial...turning the world once again into a garden of delight with difficulties one can cope with. The uncertainty-generated fear experienced when denial's process is unduely exacerbated is replaced with peace-generated certainty, which is peacefulness without excess conflict.

It is worth noting that globally, most people are not very open toward noticing their reality. As a result, balance between reality and the illusory world of denial's process is not maintained, and much of experience has become unbearable. Taking a moment several times a day to intentionally (willingly) offer attention to reality (which is invisible to perception), gradually restores both understanding and balance, according to the degree of reality's influence which is not being actively denied.

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Dysfunctional Workarounds
(behavior called aberrant)

Because of interference in the early development of sexuality by parents and society as a traditional norm, people sometimes adopt dysfunctional workarounds which at best are less than optimum when they experience relationships and acceptable sexual practices as unsatisfactory. Regarding the impact of such developmental interference, this does not only affect such things as the continuance of relationships. Masses of people cling to existing relationships or seek out other workable relationships and do fairly well. However, others are less able to find, choose and maintain workable relationships and sexual practices. This is not an excuse for them...really they don't get excused. Society punishes them, ostracizes them or otherwise removes them. But even if that did not happen, the beliefs and traditions they grew up with puts them through the wringer of guilt, as well as shame. These workarounds are sexual practices which are either less acceptable or entirely unacceptable and punishable by law. We get up in arms about the behavior of these people who are trying to cope with their feelings but who find themselves "seeming to be" unable. While there is some degree to which this is understandable, such understanding doesn't really help society to move forward in ways which do not create this aberrant behavior in the first place. I'm not going to go into what those behaviors are (and there are plenty), but I will point out that the root cause of these behaviors needs to be looked at and a way of reducing or removing the cause needs to be found and implemented.

The Solution

Fortunately, the solution is rather simple...the moving of society toward (re)discovery of inner awareness of the presence of shared reality in all.
Unfortunately, the traditions we already embrace and believe in strongly, and practice day in and day out, stand as a high barricade, preventing such implementation. People have much pride in these practices and the feelings related to them. Additionally, people have teachings believed to be authoritative, handed down to them, which support their practices and even promote very dysfunctional behavior as "right". Thus, these people do not believe that other practices are necessary...and they see no relationship between the practices they hold dear and the dysfunction which societies are experiencinng on a global scale. In fact, they believe their practices are a major part of the solution to global dysfunction. So despite the solution being truly simple, getting people to consider and implement it is not so simple.
Despite the difficulty when approaching the idea of changing the worldwide practice of interference and control that is often coercive, it is possible to begin now to discover inner awareness of the shared reality, and to share your experience of this with others, perhaps nudging them to discover it for themselves.
The key is not in changing behavior, but is in allowing awareness of reality to influence and guide. Once that is the case, behavior will begin to take care of itself accordingly.

The topic "Dysfunctional Workarounds" is mentioned here because, just as found in denial in general and in relationships, these undesirable, sometimes dysfunctional behaviors also wax and wane, resulting in people looking for new avenues of expression. For some, their searching can eventually lead them down very dark paths. It is vital that people who find themselves drawn into these aberrant behavioral workaround patterns find ways to extricate themselves. If they do not, being locked up for these is only one aspect of the more serious nature of the problems they will both face and cause for others. It can get much darker than incarceration, even for those who do not get stopped by any legal process or other abrupt process causing them to halt.

The public is right to be alarmed by certain of these, and yet the methods so often chosen in the attempt for a solution, involve passing the responsibility to government and law enforcement. Societies' avoidance of acknowledging its responsibility for being the root of the problems, and individuals within societies side-stepping any personal responsibility for being the solution...is part of the result of the original problem.

Society, by promoting its traditional interference practices, and individuals by participating in those practices and teaching them generation after generation, brings fear and resentment...not just toward those bringing the practices to bear, but toward the child recipient and later the adult recipient (i.e.- toward oneself). The most important aspect of this fear and resentment is found in that we no longer trust our instinctual urges to guide , but trust oral traditions and those written in books. More to the point, we no longer trust ourselves (for we identify at a primal level with those instincts).
Foundation for a Dysfunctional Society
Arising from Interfering with Instinct Development
as a global societal norm

Carrying forward distrust toward self as well as resentment toward self for not being instinctually trustworthy is the basis of fundamental shame. So, in distrust and shame, we built our societies and their institutions...allegedly for the benefit of mankind, but actually to support our belief that we are innately untrustworthy and worthy of resentment, guilt and shame. Religions, right alongside their good works and warm social atmosphere, historically have also drawn a heavy underscore under that theme, demoralizing and dehumanizing people, while influencing governments to do the same...all in the name of authority and tradition. Solidifying that underscoring of the shameful ideation about mankind, religions have killed populations of people and stolen all they had, instilling fear that keeps people on board with their ideologies, often feeling grateful for dispensation of grace from a church (said very convincingly with church-written authoritative writings to support the idea that this is from "God").

Avoiding our "response ability" to love one another and substituting punishment as our burden or "responsibility" is a key aspect of the dysfunction arising from interference. We call this substitution justice, and yet nothing could be further from the truth.

Only love is just (behavior that is balanced by the influence which arises from awareness of shared reality of self).
We do not understand love and that is why we also do not understand justice.
Our substitute for justice is evidence-based judgments exacted as punishments of revenge, or allegedly balancing the scale (and even that is corrupt).
Neither avoidance nor punishment work in ways which truly benefit society on a lasting basis. Instead, these build up unrealistic expectations toward law enforcement, and further resentment...which later expresses as even more problems for society. Many studies have shown that these methods do not work, and yet we keep using them and increasing them. Then we expect society to magically get better.
We've removed societies' opportunity to grow up and out of dysfunction at every turn.
It is time that we stop just being alarmed and rushing off to fix things in the old school, usual ways, as these are inappropriate and unacceptable. Fear, hate and revenge simply isn't working for us.

Love does work, but our concepts about what love is are deeply flawed. Reestablishing love REQUIRES... REQUIRES... discovery and embracing of the presence of shared reality. There is no other way these things can change as we'd like. Peace is already present, knocking at our door if you will, but is being held hostage by our insistence that our beliefs and traditions and well-intended behaviors toward one another are "right"...and are loving, when in fact they are not. Section Selections Menu ↑ • Main Menu ↑

Sexual Freedom & Sexual Preferences

There seems to be a lot to say about sexual preferences these days. It's hard to keep up with the labels and acronyms. This section however, will be rather brief.

If one prefers same sex or opposite sex for a partner, so what? If one wishes to obtain sexuality-related surgery, then they do...and it doesn't need a special label. If someone wears certain clothes at odds with society's current views about these as more masculine or more feminine, then they do. Are we really going to label people because of what they choose to wear? Judging and calling it "wrong" won't change it. Rather than changing behaviors being our priority, we need to look at ourselves differently than in the past, according to how increased awareness reveals our reality to be, allowing that understanding to influence.

People do not need special category labels or banners to wave before the public. I understand that many have been discriminated against without any real reason. They don't need labels to express being unhappy about being treated poorly or being outright abused or murdered.

There is nothing such as gay, or lesbian, or straight. Humans are sexual entities, embracing sexuality in many ways because it is the core of being human (including sexuality in a very broad sense which goes beyond what most people would call sexuality).

There are some who from birth seem drawn to one or another way of expressing their sexuality and any perceived sexuality-related needs and preferences. And there are some who seem to have adopted a particular preference or behavior pattern as the result of experiences during their formative years. In either case, they are free to express their non-harmful sexuality and preferences however they wish. Others may disagree and present many obstacles, including the self-righteous passing of laws to enforce their opinion and way of expressing as the norm, and to punish people whose views and practices are different. Just because a law got passed about it doesn't make it "right"...it just makes it enforceable, offering a lame justification for abusing others. In either case, parental and other interference with their natural development of sexuality and its expression in their lives impacts people in lasting negative ways.

The expression of sexuality (including sex act-related sexuality and the broader sense spoken of elsewhere on this site), is a process that waxes, peaks, then wanes in terms of interest. As interest wanes and people want the exciting experiences they had when their interest was waxing greater, they may do any one of a large number of things in order to attempt to regain these experiences and feelings in their lives. Some of this has been discussed in general terms earlier. In all variations of sexual preference, the direction and energy level toward regaining excitement and feelings perceived as lost can turn rather dark, endangering the health and well being of others, or even ending their own life experiences or those of others. So when one notices they seem to be lacking in the sexual or romantic feelings department, it is good for them to regularly review their views, motivations and any developing behavior patterns. Such review might reveal a good direction to go in order to find a happier situation in life. On the other hand, it might reveal that things are perhaps starting to turn toward dark, selfish behaviors for meeting perceived needs. If the latter occurs, getting some help might be worthwhile. A word of caution however: some professional help isn't all that helpful, and it is sometimes the case that professionals are just as much in need of help, and in the dark about what will be helpful, as anyone else. Regardless of what that resource type offers (and sometimes it can be quite good), one can always pause, turn within, and watch closely to see what arises in mind that is worthy of attention and wholesome to follow.

Be as free in sexual expression as possible (and legal). Allow others the same. Avoid behaviors that harm or are unwanted by others. Do not make the mistake of stepping outside the laws pertaining to human sexual behavior. Whether any particular law is right or not, it is still the law and has penalties. You won't want to live with these or drag other people into a need to live with them. I do not advocate going around trying to change every law you don't agree with, as I don't agree that law is what society needs in the first place (as society needs awareness of the shared reality of peace instead). Laws are put in place to control people. Sexual freedom, and in fact any sort of real freedom, is not about controlling people. It is about freedom...which starts within, and which is peace. Peace is not up and about changing laws, or resisting them. Instead peace guides our lives in ways that, if shared widely enough across the world's population, will heal the problems we face. Such a healed world may or may not include whatever your current preference is...but if not, it won't include controlling you about it. You will behave according to the inner guidance that is common to all who discover it...according to the openness you have to noticing that guiding influence.

A quick word about people deeply involved in law and the so-called criminal justice system and institutionalized religion.

For those involved with the law, these include at a minimum, legislators, law enforcement, judges, correctional personnel and various security enforcement people. Although any of these may very well not agree with what I am proposing here, they will be quick to admit that "the system" is not perfect and has a lot of flaws (even if those flaws seem necessary). They too would like to see a healed society, including healing of the institutions they work in.
For those involved with religious institutions, the vast majority are well-meaning people who long to see a healed world. The problem with that is that their views of a "healed world" have become biased with heavy conditioning, and sometimes by a lot of "spiritual" experiences along the way. Despite such experiences, reality is still what it is, and no doctrines or plethora of experiences can alter this in any way.
In the cases of both groups (some of which overlap), having sincere good intentions is laudable, but simply is not enough. Completely regardless of a person's situation in life, beneath their situational differences, their reality is the same as that of anyone else.
The simple process I describe on this site can heal all it touches, including any institutions built by people. It takes time, just as getting to where we are today took time. Although it is not a magic pill of instantaneous change, it is rather magical in how it shifts people's attitudes and behaviors without controlling them. A wonderful aspect of this is that, as global societies begin to grow more and more due to becoming more and more aware of our shared reality, the global ratio of the modus operandi of the masses will shift. And once it shifts far enough, socieities will create new norms...norms which heal rather than control because they will be norms and choices brought about by awareness, rather than by arbitrarily planned choices.

A Note About Dark Behaviors

Dark behaviors as referred to on this site can be any number of dysfunctional workarounds which have increased toward the undesirable, unacceptable, painful, illegal or other directions which become or could likely become harmful to oneself or others or both. These include, but are definitely not limited to:

Domestic violence or other violent tendencies or even just feeling on the edge of taking violent actions.
Any behaviors about which one feels the need to be excessively secretive, as well as frequent thoughts or fantasies about doing such behaviors.
Unacceptable sexual behaviors to the point where they are illegal or have a significant potential to be harmful to oneself or others, or frequent rumination about these behaviors.
Behaviors which may be acceptable in society at some level, but which feel emotionally addictive and difficult to avoid, and which may seem to be progressing toward behaving in ways which are less and less acceptable, risking crossing the line. This includes behaviors which feel like one is in a "desire trap" where one wants to stop the behavior but also wants to continue or increase the behavior.
Desire toward doing or feeling on the edge of doing great bodily harm or worse to oneself or another, including suicide and murder. It is important to realize that these type desires, even when not followed through on, can become very dangerous, especially if in conjunction with other unacceptable behaviors from which one might want to protect themselves from the discovery of these at any cost.

Although it is possible for one to extract themselves from behaviors and/or desires described here as dark, it is often enough the case that they do not find a successful way of accomplishing that task. Voluntarily seeking mental health assistance may become worth considering, in light of the very negative outcomes which may arise from these. There is a distinct risk in sharing information about darker behaviors to mental health professionals, and yet the risk of any outcome from such sharing may be worth it in terms of avoiding having things get worse. It is important to not be dangerous to society, but just as important to not allow oneself to progress along dark behavioral paths to the point where one's self image and self esteem spiral downward. The worse the condition of one's self esteem and self view, the more likely it is that dark behaviors will erupt or increase, and perhaps seem inescapable. You do not want to allow yourself or those you care about to head down that path.

A Very Possible and Doable Solution
Since behavior is driven by thoughts and feelings, and resultant attitudes, it can be very helpful to embrace something capable of assisting one to soften and improve their attitude. Although not a cure per se, the following potential solution has functioned much like a cure for many, many people. Once one's attitude is shifted in positive, helpful ways, it often follows that the desire is ignited to do positive, helpful behaviors and to help society to become better. When enough of these thoughts, feelings, desires and behaviors fill one's life, this can erode the negative or dark behavioral tendencies. This has been proven in prison populations around the world, and its practice is growing.

The Alternatives to Violence Project or simply AVP, offers experiential workshops that:

build a sense of community
recognize the good in people (even if such good is thought to be buried or absent)
increase trust toward self and others
improve successful communication skills
provide availability of a lifelong, worldwide community of people whose tendency is to accept you
do not require you to divulge anything about your behavioral past (what you share is up to you)

Wherever you are in the world, you might find an AVP group offering workshops not far away. And if your situation is very difficult regarding dark behaviors or desires, it would be worth considering traveling distances to obtain the experiences these workshops provide. People with the darkest behavioral histories imaginable have been able to turn their lives around with these workshops, and have been able to do so much more easily than they had ever thought possible for "anyone", nevertheless for themselves. This has been the case over and over and over again...yes, including gang members and "shot callers". Each of us has the same inner reality...and it "can" be reached, loved and appreciated. Feel free to contact me about becoming involved in workshops, and I will look into what is available nearest to you (and I will not share any of your information with that group...it will be up to you to contact them about their ongoing schedules and when you can attend.) The workshops are not just for people with serious behavioral issues, but is also a tool used by many for simple self-improvement goals, or to enhance professional skills. So you or anyone to whom you suggest workshops will not be singled out or probed for sensitive information. Tears of joy over discovering the truth about oneself and the people of our world is definitely not unheard of...both with people considering their histories to be dark and with people who consider themselves positive and professional and helpful already. The truth is so very different from what we grew up with...and yet, it holds dear the best of what we could ever have imagined.

Contact me by eMail || Our local AVP Site: Antelope Valley

Other AVP Sites: California • USA National • International

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General Questions or Informational Assistance with Difficulties

What if meeting sexual needs has already turned dark for someone, is already outside the law or seems to be potentially heading in that direction? Or what if you have questions about "needs meeting" or other comments or questions that are not about dark or selfish behavior? I can talk to you about that if desired. Do not at any time however, tell me about illegal behavior on your part or that of someone else. Such disclosure could possibly result in arrest. I can give some general information on various subjects covered on this web site. It will not be legal advice. It will not be mental health advice. If you need an attorney or a mental health professional, please seek one out.

Still, I have been able to assist people at times.

Two quick points to remember:

All communications including emails, texts, phone calls by landline, cell phone, satellite phone, 2-way radio, or snail mail can be monitored.
It is my information that, in at least some jurisdictions, certain professionals are "mandated reporters" and cannot by law keep certain illegal activities private.

If you want something to stay private, then keep it private. I don't plan to share your private information, but it's your responsibility to share it with care.

Notice: I am a felon, whether reformed or not. Anyone on probation or parole with restrictions on who they can associate with should not contact me until those restrictions are lifted, unless they obtain written permission from their probation or parole officer (not for me, but important for you).

Thanks for your interest. — Contact me

Things to Consider